I’m fairly certain that my brain is losing its capacity to function normally. Maybe it’s old age. Maybe I’m aging at an increasingly rapid rate and it is causing senility to set in early. Maybe I need about five more hours in each day. Maybe I need to slow down. Maybe, I just need to assess my life. Assessing is one of my least favorite things to do when the assessment is of me. I feel at 27, I’m beyond those days of laying back in a flowery meadow and wondering what the purpose of my life is, and blah, blah, blah (maybe this attitude is my problem). Actually, I’ve never been one to lay back in a flowery meadow because, A. I don’t like butterflies and the two seem to go hand in hand and B. I prefer cornfields. Anyway, I’ve always envisioned myself in a completely different place than I am right now. Don’t read between the lines here, I’m actually quite happy. There are pieces missing here and there in the puzzle that has become my life, and although the pieces that are missing are quite large and integral, I’m content. Isn’t that the point; to find contentment?
Anyway, as I’ve posted before, I’ve been doing weird little things that are out of character that make me think that I need a break or I need to embrace what has become my life, or both. Stopping at green lights bothers me for some reason and it goes beyond the fear that I’ve become color blind. I’ve done it more times in the last week than ever in my life. I think it’s signaling some sort of re-wire that’s occurred in this brain of mine. I’m not sleeping well either. I usually only sleep a few hours a night anyway, but I’ve not been sleeping at all. I’ve been up making vegetable pizzas and eating carrots with my dogs until the wee hours of the morn. I’ve been lying in bed staring at the ceiling and trying to find shapes in the texture finish. So far, I’ve just found a creepy looking skull, which makes it harder still to sleep. I’m not necessarily frustrated with the lack of sleep, but I know that when it catches up to me, I’ll be down for the count.
I was thinking last night as I was staring at the creepy skull in my ceiling that I had a lot of plans for myself a few years ago and for several reasons, plans have changed and I’ve settled. Not that what I’ve settled for is horrible, I think everybody has to settle here and there (settle is such a stupid word in this context). Then I thought, I’m still relatively young, I can still pursue the things that I’ve always wanted to pursue. The creepy skull agreed. After all, I should practice what I preach. I’ve always been the first person to advise chasing your dreams, reaching for the stars, going for the gold and every other cliché that fits here. It seems as though I’ve been caught up in the humdrum of life and lost myself a bit…not a lot, but just enough to make me stop at green lights and talk to skulls in my ceiling. So, my insomnia and new found insanity have inspired me to pursue some of the things I’ve always wanted.
I was also thinking back to yesterday’s General Conference addresses, specifically Elder Holland’s talk. What an amazingly powerful talk he gave. The only thing I wrote down was this : “Work on fears regarding achieving goals and marriage.” Now, I’m not much of a gusher nor am I one to let people know that I fear anything, but alas, here I am gushing to you about my fears. I can’t help but think that fear has been one of the things that has motivated me to discontinue pursuing the things that I’ve wanted to pursue, among those things is being a wife and mother, a writer and a really good friend to those whom I care about. Now, I know that fear is often Satan worming his way into our brains, but I think these are very legitimate fears and things I must work on. So, the conclusion I’ve come to can be summed up in a little piece of advice I received from my good friend Sylvia awhile back, “Girl, you need to get your rear in gear.”
The reason for the bear photo is this : It’s a pretty awesome photo. But, it represents the changes I want to make to my life. The changes will be significant in that I’ll have to remove some pretty ingrained thoughts / fears, but once those are gone, I’ll still be the same Jen.
Alright, I’ve written a whole post about myself which will be rare, I promise.
Anyway, as I’ve posted before, I’ve been doing weird little things that are out of character that make me think that I need a break or I need to embrace what has become my life, or both. Stopping at green lights bothers me for some reason and it goes beyond the fear that I’ve become color blind. I’ve done it more times in the last week than ever in my life. I think it’s signaling some sort of re-wire that’s occurred in this brain of mine. I’m not sleeping well either. I usually only sleep a few hours a night anyway, but I’ve not been sleeping at all. I’ve been up making vegetable pizzas and eating carrots with my dogs until the wee hours of the morn. I’ve been lying in bed staring at the ceiling and trying to find shapes in the texture finish. So far, I’ve just found a creepy looking skull, which makes it harder still to sleep. I’m not necessarily frustrated with the lack of sleep, but I know that when it catches up to me, I’ll be down for the count.
I was thinking last night as I was staring at the creepy skull in my ceiling that I had a lot of plans for myself a few years ago and for several reasons, plans have changed and I’ve settled. Not that what I’ve settled for is horrible, I think everybody has to settle here and there (settle is such a stupid word in this context). Then I thought, I’m still relatively young, I can still pursue the things that I’ve always wanted to pursue. The creepy skull agreed. After all, I should practice what I preach. I’ve always been the first person to advise chasing your dreams, reaching for the stars, going for the gold and every other cliché that fits here. It seems as though I’ve been caught up in the humdrum of life and lost myself a bit…not a lot, but just enough to make me stop at green lights and talk to skulls in my ceiling. So, my insomnia and new found insanity have inspired me to pursue some of the things I’ve always wanted.
I was also thinking back to yesterday’s General Conference addresses, specifically Elder Holland’s talk. What an amazingly powerful talk he gave. The only thing I wrote down was this : “Work on fears regarding achieving goals and marriage.” Now, I’m not much of a gusher nor am I one to let people know that I fear anything, but alas, here I am gushing to you about my fears. I can’t help but think that fear has been one of the things that has motivated me to discontinue pursuing the things that I’ve wanted to pursue, among those things is being a wife and mother, a writer and a really good friend to those whom I care about. Now, I know that fear is often Satan worming his way into our brains, but I think these are very legitimate fears and things I must work on. So, the conclusion I’ve come to can be summed up in a little piece of advice I received from my good friend Sylvia awhile back, “Girl, you need to get your rear in gear.”
The reason for the bear photo is this : It’s a pretty awesome photo. But, it represents the changes I want to make to my life. The changes will be significant in that I’ll have to remove some pretty ingrained thoughts / fears, but once those are gone, I’ll still be the same Jen.
Alright, I’ve written a whole post about myself which will be rare, I promise.
Five things I'm grateful for -
1. General Conference
2. Time spent with friends
3. Letters from my Great-grandmother
4. Advice
5. Creepy skulls in my ceiling
Top five goals I'd like to accomplish in my life -
1. Be sealed in the Temple
2. Be the best wife and mother I know how to be - whatever that looks like
3. Write more and with more desire to be published
4. To create the most openly loving and welcoming home, wherever that may be and whatever that may mean
5. To live life with a constant eye on eternity
"The truth about the world, is that anything is possible." Cormac McCarthy
I love you, Jen Bowen! I hear ya about being in somewhat of a funk. Not that funks are a bad thing. I've had a really hard time sleeping. I've been reading a few new books and that's helped tons. I stayed up until 1 finishing a new book on Friday night. It was so moving that I was nearly bawling at the end. I felt that I, too, needed to get my rear in gear. I still couldn't sleep. I felt this huge "nudge" to get up and work on my family history. I thought I would go crazy. To my amazement, I found tons of links to my family. I even found one in which I'd actually visited their grave, not knowing we were even related. Crazy!
ReplyDeleteI love your goals. Mine always seem to mean so much more when I write them down. I was asked by an employer once to write them down. It was crazy when I finally "forgot myself and got to work" that I began to reach them. Within 2 years all but one had been met. Still working on motherhood ;)
Anyway, I'm sorry I rambled. I enjoy your posts. They're always a reminder of how incredible us women are. You're amazing!
Hugs!
This was an amazing post, Jen. You expressed many wonderful insights that I am often afraid to face.
ReplyDeleteKeep the posts and insights coming.
Awe! You two are some of the most amazing women I know and such an inspiration to me! I love you both!
ReplyDelete