La Vie est Belle

I don’t have a lot to say…well actually I have tons to say, I’m just not sure how to say it. So, what I will say is I love you all!
Five things I’m grateful for –
1. Spring
2. Love
3. NBA Playoffs
4. Did I mention love?
5. Stephanie Mae Anderson

Top five collaborations of all time –
1. Wes Dean & Jen Bowen
2. Spoon + Fork = Spork
3. Elton John & KiKi Dee
4. French Canadians
5. Yellow + Blue = GREEN

Fragile as a Coal Truck

There’s something absolutely beautiful about a weeping willow tree. I love that they are tall and strong and present, but their branches are tender and gentle and delicate. They seem wise and knowing in that weird way that sometimes old trees do. Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about who I should write about next. Then I got a call early this morning from my good friend Sylvia. She was thinking about me and wanted to wish me a good day. Such a small and simple act of kindness has made my entire week seem better (although there wasn’t much room for improvement, it’s been pretty amazing)! Either way, I love Sylvia and I hope that you all enjoy our story!
Sylvia and I met in September of 2007 when I began working a part time job at Origins. I don’t really remember the first time we worked together. I’m typically pretty quiet and shy around new people and in new situations, so I’m sure she probably thought I was pretty lame. I do remember her amazing southern accent and her sense of humor. She talked about her family with passion I had never experienced before. I slowly grew to admire Sylvia for her strength. The story of her life is remarkable. It’s tragically sad and amazingly beautiful; the ultimate contradiction. Sylvia’s personality is similar to the weeping willow tree. She is strong beyond measure yet intimidatingly delicate. (Just for the record – intimidatingly is not a word, but it should be). I grew to love her family without ever meeting them. In true southern fashion, she is a great story-teller and the stories of her family’s adventures are funny, heart-breaking, beautiful, ugly, and good. Good is such a perfect word in this context. Sylvia is good.
I quickly grew to realize that Sylvia was meant to serve a purpose in my life. She is the type of mother that I always wanted. She’s not perfect or even close, but she’s been such an amazing example of what a mother should be. She’s taught me so many things; significant things that I often felt ashamed about not knowing. She did it in a way that never made me feel ignorant or unworthy of the education she’s provided. She’s taught me about love, pure and unconditional love. She’s taught me that it’s pretty ok to cry if that’s what I feel like doing. She’s taught me that laughing at myself is often times the best medicine at the end of a crappy day. She’s taught me that there’s so much more to life than pleasing others. She’s taught me about service. She’s taught me that a warm smile and welcoming heart are two of the most important things you can offer someone else. She’s taught me about faith and miracles and goodness.
Sylvia has two of the most beautiful daughters in the world. I love them as if they were my own sisters. I didn’t meet either of them for nearly a year. When we met in person it felt right. We immediately felt a kinship. We hugged. Those hugs from those girls have meant more to me than I think they’ll ever know. Whew! I’m getting ferclemped (that’s not a word either). Anyway, when they are sad, I find myself sad. When they are happy, I rejoice with them. I love them with all of my heart and I’ve learned much from them as well.
Sylvia is the most honest person I know. I’m not just talking about honesty in the context of not lying, but she’s honest about her feelings, her plight in life, her personality, others’ personalities, her faith, her character. She knows who she is and she’s honest about it. Being honest with myself is something I struggled with quite a lot until I met Sylvia. I learned that our experiences (happy or otherwise) make us who we are and until we’re honest about those experiences, we’ll never learn from them. I’ve come to appreciate my experiences because of Sylvia’s example.
Sylvia is also hilarious. I mean rolling on the floor, tears coming out of your eyes, gut-busting funny. I’ve never laughed so much or so hard with somebody else in my entire life. She knows how to laugh at herself and that is important. She’s just an amazing woman and I hope that everybody is able to spend some time with Sylvia sooner or later.

Five things I'm grateful for -
1. SYLVIA ESCOE
2. Foreheads
3. Jesus Christ's example
4. Friends
5. The Temple

Top five worst songs that pop into my head almost daily -
1. Wannabe - Spice Girls
2. Strangers in the Night - Frank Sinatra
3. We Built This City - Starship
4. The Sign - Ace of Base
5. What's Up? - Four Non Blondes

He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother

So, I’ve been thinking a lot lately how other people have blessed my life. I’ve been incredibly fortunate to have some of the most amazing friends. I often wonder why I have been so blessed. I still don’t know the answer to that question, but I think that my next several posts will be dedicated to those whom I love most.
Now, I kept going back and forth trying to think who I would start with. It’s not like my circle of friends is huge, but everybody is significant and everybody has contributed to my life in one way or another. As I was thinking about those who’ve had the most impact, my thoughts kept returning to my little brother. So, Michael will be the beginning!
Michael was born when I was nine and in the third grade. Little known fact : in true Iowa fashion, I had a mullet in third grade. Anyway, 1991 was the year of the mullet and Michael. Michael was born in March, shortly after my birthday. I was super excited to have a brother. He was amazing in every aspect of the word. I immediately fell in love with my little brother (so, as I reread that statement it sounds a little creepy and all too backwoods, but it was healthy and so far removed from creepy). Michael was a big baby. Nearly ten pounds when he was born. He never looked like a typical newborn. He had huge blue eyes and the chunkiest thighs in the world. He quickly took on the name Tank because of his size. He smiled very early on. I remember his first smile. I was holding him in the kitchen while I was warming a bottle and he looked at me with huge blue eyes and gave me the biggest smile in the world. The best part about a baby’s smile is that it is the most genuine thing you will ever witness. Babies smile because they are happy. Adults smile because it’s appropriate. Does that make sense? Anyway, he started to laugh those hilarious deep-belly laughs that only babies can. He loved playing airplane which caused A LOT of spitting up, but hearing him laugh was almost worth the clean up. Michael was a beautiful baby.
He was an even more beautiful child. It was awesome to see him learn and grasp certain concepts. A child’s determination and will to learn and progress is so raw and inspiring. I often envied his resolve. He was and still is incredibly and very naturally intelligent. As Michael progressed, I often felt that I did as well. He did typical boy things. He loved cars and dinosaurs and Legos. We watched a lot of Land of the Lost and Land Before Time. As a kid, he had a sensitivity about him that was well beyond his years of experience. He was incredibly tuned in to how people were feeling. Again, I envied this trait. He especially knew when I was upset and I was always so grateful for his reassuring pats on the back.
Michael and I started several of our own traditions. I hope to continue some of these traditions with my own children. My favorite was lying underneath the Christmas tree and looking up at all of the lights. We would do it for hours. Sometimes we’d make up our own lyrics and put them to traditional Christmas songs. Other times, we’d just quietly enjoy the lights. Every Thanksgiving we would go for a drive (from the time I had my own car) after dinner. We would usually go down to the Glenwood area. We listened to Jock Jams the whole time. It was awesome. One year, I hit a deer when Pump Up the Jam was blasting throughout my little 1988 Dodge Omni. Naturally, we had to quote lines from Tommy Boy and Harry and the Henderson’s the whole way home. The best thing about Michael during those years was that he got it. He understood me and he understood why I thought the way I did or said the things I said and he never once questioned my motives.
I knew that my decision to move to Colorado would greatly affect my relationship with Michael. I have always felt a little guilty for leaving him in Iowa to deal with the circumstances of our parents’ decisions. Michael was 14 when I moved 900 miles away. We talked every day and I flew him out here the very first chance I had. I wanted him to see who I was outside of the confines of my former self. The trip was awesome and it was like we had never spent a day apart.
Our relationship changed dramatically in May of 2007. Unfortunately, our mother visited Colorado and lost her mind (to say the least). I flew her here for her 50th birthday hoping it would be a good relationship-building visit. Turns out I was super naïve and way too hopeful for my own good. From that point on, Michael was used as leverage. I wanted no part of that. I emailed him and told him that I loved him more than he or I could probably ever comprehend, but for the sake of our relationship and selfishly, for the sake of my sanity, I wasn’t going to put him or my sister in the middle of my mother’s plot for revenge if I could help it. That was, hands down, the absolute hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. We went from being the best of friends to awkward siblings who acknowledged each other on birthdays and Christmas. I cried many nights and sought solace in the Gospel. I found peace and most of the things I was looking for. Michael never responded to my emails and I understood. It was better for him not to respond because if our mother found out there was any correspondence between the two of us, his life would have been pretty awful.
In January of this year I received the phone call I had been praying for for nearly two years. Michael called! We spoke for hours and we apologized and cried and laughed and used movie quotes in normal conversation that only we would understand. We busted out in song when the other person would say something that reminded us of a really bad song (there was a lot of Bon Jovi going on that night). Anyway, my brother doesn’t know it, but his phone call came at a time in my life when I was feeling incredibly sad. January in general was ridiculous, but hearing his voice and the love behind his words saved me from what I fear may have been a pretty dark period. Michael is an amazing young man and I will always look up to him for his awe-inspiring intuition and his ability to calm the most troubled heart. He’s truly been the best friend I could have ever hoped for.

Five things I’m grateful for –
1. Michael
2. Bon Jovi
3. Jock Jams
4. Crappy formative years
5. Love

Top five memories with Michael –
1. Eating the best bad Chinese food and watching Joe Dirt on the floor of my apartment every Saturday night for all of 2004
2. Michael tiling my kitchen while I glued beads to the bottom of my lampshades listening to ELO
3. Long drives through the middle of Iowa during harvest talking about life as we knew it
4. “Stay in the car…you do NOT want to see this” Michael’s reaction after we hit the deer on Thanksgiving night in 1998
5. The Viking helmet

In case you're wondering, I totally painted his nails and dressed him up in my old tap shoes and tutus. He loved every minute of it.

Best / Worst Sunday EVER

Best Sunday ever because it's Easter...Duh! Worst Sunday ever because Mustang Sally pulled the ol' Corner-Jen-after-church-to-make-her-feel-really-bad-about-life-in-general trick. Oldest trick in the book. You'd think I'd learn. Where's S-Dawg when I need her to run interference? I mean really. Anyway, I'd rather focus on the good. Are you ready?

Good - It's Easter Sunday. Easter is the most spiritual day of the year for me. I mean I try to be spiritual day every day, but there's something special about celebrating and studying the story of His resurrection.

Good - It's rainy and damp and although I love sunshine and warm weather, there's something a tad bit romantic about an overcast day.

Good - I feel amazingly blessed always, but especially on Sundays.

Good - Love! I love love! I'm finding more and more that love is something that comes naturally to me. That might be a wierd statement, well there's no "might be" it is wierd. But, there was a time in my life when it didn't come naturally and it has been such a blessing to know that I have the capacity to live in love.

So, here are my lists...enjoy my loved ones!

Five things I'm grateful for -

1. My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

2. The atonement, all that it encompasses and all that it has provided me

3. Friends...I honestly don't know where I'd be sometimes if it weren't for the most amazing friends in the world. I hope you all know who you are! I love you all!

4. Hand-written letters. I got another one this weekend from a beloved friend and it made my whole week a little better

5. LOVE - man it's amazing!

Top five "oldies" bands / solo artists -

1. The Beach Boys

2. Buddy Holly

3. The Foundations

4. Jay and the Americans

5. The Drifters

J'adore you all!

Hot Sleep in Eleven Minutes or Less

I slept! Finally! It was amazing, minus the creepy dream about dropping out of clown school. Weird. Anyway, the good news is I survived seven days on about 40 minutes of sleep. The bad news is, I was a monster be around toward the end. I felt a little like I was turning into the Hulk by last night, but right before my skin started to turn green and my shirt sleeves tore, I slipped into a peaceful slumber...aaaahhhh.

In honor of my full eight, here are some lists for your viewing pleasure!

Five things I'm grateful for -

1. Sleep

2. The Hulk

3. The Gospel of Christ

4. All of the advice there is in the world for help falling asleep

5. Happiness

Top five things to do this rainy and windy Saturday -

1. Corndog's hockey game

2. Taxes

3. Change Richard's water

4. Read

5. Nap

Much love my loves!

I get it! I get it!

I had yet another sleepless night last night and my eyes are burning from exhaustion right now, but something so beautiful has come out of this little bout of sleeplessness. I hesitate to type it out for fear that it will lose some of its beauty, but it’s always good to share the wonderful moments in our lives with others.
I was lying in my bed last night taking turns looking at Richard in his little fish bowl resting peacefully after a hard day of swimming and being fishy and looking at the creepy skull in my ceiling. I had some music playing and it was really quite peaceful…well except that I was looking at the creepy skull and actually contemplating spilling my guts to it and that made me a little bit fearful of my own mental state in that instance. But, I felt this amazing push to get out of bed, get on my knees and spill all to Heavenly Father. Just give everything to him. So I did. And I felt bad, because He hears it from so many people and people who have way worse stuff going on than I. I won’t tell you everything I said or asked, but what I did ask was this : for help in seeking out the truth and light that will guide me throughout the rest of my life or at least during this interim period I’m calling “All work and no play.” I don’t typically get super strong feelings after prayers. I’m more of a slow and steady wins the race type of girl…but I was hit with the most amazing feeling that confirmed to me that the truth and light that I am seeking is right in front of me. It is us…all of us! We are truth and light and everything else that I’m looking for right now. Duh! Don’t you hate when Captain Obvious hit you across the face with a bat? I’m not comparing Heavenly Father to Captain Obvious…just for the record. That was an amazing moment. I’m not much of a cryer, but man did I cry like a baby and it could have been because I haven’t slept since Friday night, but I like to think it was because I knew in that moment that Heavenly Father was with me and there was no doubt in my mind of His grace and mercy and miracles. I’ve really only had one other moment when I felt Heavenly Father’s presence so strongly and that’s a whole other Oprah – or post, but someday I will tell you all of the time He saved me from moving to the mountains and living like Ted Kosinsky, minus the mail bombs and manifestos. So, anyhow, I feel like a total nerd today for not looking to those people around me for the truth and light that I’ve been searching for. Heavenly Father truly blesses us in our relationships with others and I like to think that I’ll continue to learn and be inspired by you all. You are truth and light and I love you!
In other news, I’ll be descending on Council Bluffs, Iowa in 5 weeks to attend my brother’s high school graduation. I’m not so sure I’m ready for Iowa. More to come...

Five things I’m grateful for –
1. My testimony of prayer
2. Richard and the Creepy Skull
3. Inspiration
4. Friends
5. Sleep – I’ve never been more grateful for sleep in my life

Top five things I’ve been obsessed (such a strange word) with lately –
1. The Format
2. Perfecting my lemon bar recipe
3. Sleep
4. The guy in the office who breathes really loud. Sometimes I want to launch paper-clip daggers at him. I’ve even construct a paper-clip dagger launcher out of rubber bands and my Swingline. Now all I need is some courage or one more sleepless night and he’s done for.
5. Making sweet music mixes – some of these will reach epic status…if I ever get them finished.

I’m fairly certain that my brain is losing its capacity to function normally. Maybe it’s old age. Maybe I’m aging at an increasingly rapid rate and it is causing senility to set in early. Maybe I need about five more hours in each day. Maybe I need to slow down. Maybe, I just need to assess my life. Assessing is one of my least favorite things to do when the assessment is of me. I feel at 27, I’m beyond those days of laying back in a flowery meadow and wondering what the purpose of my life is, and blah, blah, blah (maybe this attitude is my problem). Actually, I’ve never been one to lay back in a flowery meadow because, A. I don’t like butterflies and the two seem to go hand in hand and B. I prefer cornfields. Anyway, I’ve always envisioned myself in a completely different place than I am right now. Don’t read between the lines here, I’m actually quite happy. There are pieces missing here and there in the puzzle that has become my life, and although the pieces that are missing are quite large and integral, I’m content. Isn’t that the point; to find contentment?
Anyway, as I’ve posted before, I’ve been doing weird little things that are out of character that make me think that I need a break or I need to embrace what has become my life, or both. Stopping at green lights bothers me for some reason and it goes beyond the fear that I’ve become color blind. I’ve done it more times in the last week than ever in my life. I think it’s signaling some sort of re-wire that’s occurred in this brain of mine. I’m not sleeping well either. I usually only sleep a few hours a night anyway, but I’ve not been sleeping at all. I’ve been up making vegetable pizzas and eating carrots with my dogs until the wee hours of the morn. I’ve been lying in bed staring at the ceiling and trying to find shapes in the texture finish. So far, I’ve just found a creepy looking skull, which makes it harder still to sleep. I’m not necessarily frustrated with the lack of sleep, but I know that when it catches up to me, I’ll be down for the count.
I was thinking last night as I was staring at the creepy skull in my ceiling that I had a lot of plans for myself a few years ago and for several reasons, plans have changed and I’ve settled. Not that what I’ve settled for is horrible, I think everybody has to settle here and there (settle is such a stupid word in this context). Then I thought, I’m still relatively young, I can still pursue the things that I’ve always wanted to pursue. The creepy skull agreed. After all, I should practice what I preach. I’ve always been the first person to advise chasing your dreams, reaching for the stars, going for the gold and every other cliché that fits here. It seems as though I’ve been caught up in the humdrum of life and lost myself a bit…not a lot, but just enough to make me stop at green lights and talk to skulls in my ceiling. So, my insomnia and new found insanity have inspired me to pursue some of the things I’ve always wanted.
I was also thinking back to yesterday’s General Conference addresses, specifically Elder Holland’s talk. What an amazingly powerful talk he gave. The only thing I wrote down was this : “Work on fears regarding achieving goals and marriage.” Now, I’m not much of a gusher nor am I one to let people know that I fear anything, but alas, here I am gushing to you about my fears. I can’t help but think that fear has been one of the things that has motivated me to discontinue pursuing the things that I’ve wanted to pursue, among those things is being a wife and mother, a writer and a really good friend to those whom I care about. Now, I know that fear is often Satan worming his way into our brains, but I think these are very legitimate fears and things I must work on. So, the conclusion I’ve come to can be summed up in a little piece of advice I received from my good friend Sylvia awhile back, “Girl, you need to get your rear in gear.”
The reason for the bear photo is this : It’s a pretty awesome photo. But, it represents the changes I want to make to my life. The changes will be significant in that I’ll have to remove some pretty ingrained thoughts / fears, but once those are gone, I’ll still be the same Jen.
Alright, I’ve written a whole post about myself which will be rare, I promise.

Five things I'm grateful for -

1. General Conference

2. Time spent with friends

3. Letters from my Great-grandmother

4. Advice

5. Creepy skulls in my ceiling

Top five goals I'd like to accomplish in my life -

1. Be sealed in the Temple

2. Be the best wife and mother I know how to be - whatever that looks like

3. Write more and with more desire to be published

4. To create the most openly loving and welcoming home, wherever that may be and whatever that may mean

5. To live life with a constant eye on eternity

"The truth about the world, is that anything is possible." Cormac McCarthy

Sure as Frogs Croak and Cows Bellow

Sometimes, we read books for entertainment and other times we read books for information. And, if we're lucky, we read books that change our lives. My good friend suggested I read Cold Sassy Tree. I'd heard a lot about this novel when I was in college. When my friend suggested it to me this past weekend, I immediately went and picked it up and gave it a shot. Man, am I glad I did. What an amazing piece of art. I've never met another character that I've so easily identified with as Miss Love. And to be loved the way that Rucker loves Miss love toward the end; wow! This is an excellent book and if you haven't already read it, take my word, it is beautiful.

Five things I'm grateful for -

1. Cold Sassy Tree

2. Simplicity

3. Heating blankets

4. Cold Pillows

5. A Sound Mind

Top five memories as a child -

1. Laying in the middle of a field by myself watching the clouds for hours and hours

2. Lightening striking our house and watching the appliances blow up

3. The tornado of 1988

4. California 1994

5. The day my brother was born

"We can ast for comfort and hope and patience and courage . . . and we'll git what we ast for. They ain't no gar'ntee thet we ain't go'n have no troubles and ain't go'n die. But shore as frogs croak and cows bellow, God'll forgive us if'n we ast Him to." Rucker ~ Cold Sassy Tree

I Got the Green Light; I Got A Little Fight

I stopped at two different green lights this morning, my socks don't match and my brain is a mess. I don't know what's going on, but I'm not so sure I dislike it...

Five this I'm grateful for -
1. Clouds in the sky
2. Mountains
3. Company
4. Love
5. Life

Top five favorite bands of all time -
1. The Beach Boys
2. The Beatles
3. The Killers
4. Fleetwood Mac
5. Widespread Panic

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” ~ Dr. Seuss